


Dread Pirate 007

by TheGoodDoctor



Series: Group Targets [16]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: M/M, The Princess Bride References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 19:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8298016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoodDoctor/pseuds/TheGoodDoctor
Summary: “What kind of story?”Bill leans in. “Action, adventure, swashbuckling-”“Will there be any romance?” the ten-year-old asks.Her uncle blinks. “Should there be?”She sighs deeply. “Of course. And kissing and everything.”Bill nods uncertainly. “In that case, absolutely. This will be a kissing story.” He frowns. “But not too much.”





	

_Bill sits at the foot of his niece's bed, hands folded in his lap. She stares back at him grumpily, occasionally sniffing and wiping her nose with the back of her hand._

_“I hear you're sick,” Bill says._

_Grace rolls her eyes. “Obviously.”_

_He nods, conceding the point. “What are you going to do all day then?”_

_“Play video games,” she says eagerly._

_He points at her. “Aha. Too fast, missy. Someone's not allowed video games; if they're well enough to play them then they ought to be in school.”_

_Grace folds her arms. “Who's not allowed video games, then?”_

_“Their name starts with ‘Gr’ and ends with ‘ace Isabel Tanner’,” Bill says, mimicking her pose with a slight smile._

_She flops back into her pillows with a groan, vanishing in the cotton. “But I'm booored.”_

_“I could tell you a story,” Bill suggests._

_Her head reappears, eyes narrowed. “What kind of story?”_

_Bill leans in. “Action, adventure, swashbuckling-”_

_“Will there be any romance?” the ten-year-old asks._

_Her uncle blinks. “Should there be?”_

_She sighs deeply. “ Of course. And kissing and everything.”_

_Bill nods uncertainly. “In that case, absolutely. This will be a kissing story.” He frowns. “But not too much.”_

_Grace settles back against the headboard. “Okay then. Tell me a story.”_

* * *

Once upon a time there was a handsome young man who lived on a farm. He had pale, soft skin, glossy dark curls and he had never worked a day in his life. His name was Q.

Also on the farm was a strong farmhand, muscular and blond. His name was James.

Whatever Q asked, James would do. He carried things, made food, worked the fields, cared for Q’s animals and even took the blame for the things Q did wrong. He did all these things because Q asked him to, and in response James would always say: _As you wish._

Over time, Q realised that James was, in his own way, very beautiful too. He realised that he asked James to do things in order to get his attention, and to hear those words: as you wish. Q realised, eventually, that whenever James said _as you wish_ , what he really meant was _I love you_.

* * *

_“Do they kiss now?” Grace says eagerly._

_Bill frowns. “What - no. They've only just - look, who's telling this story, you or me?”_

* * *

But one day, James had to travel over the seas to collect important equipment for the farm.

“Come back to me,” Q said, holding James’ hand tightly in his own.

James smiled. “As you wish,” he said.

But James could not, for on his sea journey his ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate 007, and he never leaves his prisoners alive.

When Q heard the news, he vowed that he would never love again and shut himself away for five years.

* * *

_“But that can't be right!” Grace whines. “You said there would be romance!”_

_“Arguably, there was,” Bill says. Grace glares at him. “Just listen. Don’t keep interrupting, or you'll never know.”_

* * *

At the end of these five years, the prince of the kingdom declared that he would marry the most beautiful person in the whole kingdom. Messengers were sent to every town, city, village and farm and their answer was the same: while there were a great many people worthy of the title of beautiful, all paled in comparison to Q.

And so Q was brought to the palace to meet the prince and queen. He was quiet and subdued; he could never love Blofeld, nor forget James. He liked Queen M, though she was stern and cross often, and he liked Blofeld’s cat, but he never felt at home in the palace and longed to be on the farm with James.

One day Q went for a walk with his retinue of guards. He headed into the forest along the water's edge, when suddenly he was attacked by three masked bandits. Q was snatched away and thrown into a boat, the three bandits sailing quickly far from the shore.

Q huddled in the belly of the boat, alone and cold but unconcerned about his fate. He missed James too much to want to live, and had no wish to return to Blofeld, though he supposed he would miss the cat. He watched the bandits move around; one was extremely tall, one a smallish woman, the other a bleach-blond man with wild, staring eyes. He appeared to be the leader of the band, while the woman spoke for both herself and the tall man. Q worked out that her name was Eve, the leader called Silva, and the tall man was referred to as M, although privately Eve called him Gareth.

They ignored Q, although sometimes Silva would crouch before him and leer, daring him to try anything. Q just stared back, and eventually Silva would give up.

As dawn broke they approached a fairly-sheer rock face. Eve looked behind them. “We're being followed,” she said mildly.

“Inconcievable,” Silva said, crossing the boat to join her. “They aren't following us, they just…”

“Happen to be going the same way?” Q said uninterestedly.

Silva glares at him, then turns to Gareth. “Get us up, and quickly.”

“I thought we weren't being followed,” Q said as Gareth picked him up easily, propping him on his hip, childlike.

Silva, clinging to the opposite hip, spat dismissively on the floor as it dropped away beneath them. “Inconceivable,” he said.

Eve, clinging to Gareth’s back as he scales the rock face, rolled her eyes in Q’s direction. She looked down. “The masked man who is not following us is also climbing the cliff,” she said solemnly.

Silva bared ruined, purplish gums at the masked man below them. “Climb faster,” he said, and Gareth did.

At the top of the cliff Q was placed back on his own two feet. Silva grabbed his wrist. “Moneypenny, stop the masked man and catch us up. Gareth, with me,” he hissed.

Eve nodded and swung her sword about her head as she waited for the man. Eventually she leaned over the edge. “Look, do you mind hurrying up?”

The man grunted. “Well, since you only intend to kill me, I don't see why I should.”

Eve considered this, then nodded. “That's fair. You seem a nice man; I hate to kill you.”

The man grinned up at her. “You seem a nice lady; I hate to die.”

* * *

The masked man ran across the ridge, and Silva left Gareth to stop him where Eve failed.

Gareth stood in the path, loose fists by his sides. “What happened to Eve?” he asked the man.

The man tilted his head. “Don't worry. She's back there, unconscious; I couldn't have her follow me.”

Gareth nodded. “I understand.”

* * *

_Grace listens, rapt, as her uncle tells of the swordfight and the fistfight, how the masked assailant defeated first one, then the other. He tells her how Silva sat down to wait for the man, how he set up the poisoned chalices as a final test of wit. Bill tells her how the masked man asked Q to choose the chalice, how even as he died Silva laughed about Q not being such a clever boy now._

_Much to Grace’s distress, they stop for lunch and some Calpol, but then on, as the masked man escapes with Q to the forests and, eventually, is revealed as James through those three fateful words: as you wish._

_“I knew he wasn't dead!” Grace says triumphantly, and Bill sends her an amused and disbelieving look. She folds her arms and looks away. “Sorta.”_

* * *

“But how did you escape the Dread Pirate 007?” Q asked.

James grinned. “My dear, I am the Dread Pirate 007. You see, upon capture I made myself useful to the then Dread Pirate 007, and eventually he explained; his real name was Pierce, and he took over from a guy called Timothy, and so on. There have actually been six Dread Pirates, not including myself, all retired now.”

Just then, Blofeld’s men appeared and shot James. They carried off Q, despite his distress, and returned him to the castle.

Eve and Gareth, following the trail, found James - and found him dead. Between them, they carried him to a little shack in the woods owned by Magical Miracle Bill, a grumpy but handsome, talented and truly wonderful person -

* * *

_“Uncle Bill!” Grace laughs. “You can't put yourself in the story!”_

_Bill looks shocked. “I would never! Why, what is it about the handsome, talented and wonderful chap in the story that reminds you of me?”_

_She throws her pillow at his laughing face._

* * *

\- who could perform miracles. He opened the door and sighed.

“When are you two going to stop bringing me dead people?” he grumbled, wandering around the room making various ingredients into a pill that he then forced down James’ throat. “He's probably going to wake up.”

“Probably? Eve said, incredulous.

Bill glared at her. “What do you want, a miracle? He's dead. He'll probably wake up, and then he'll be pretty weak but he will almost definitely not be dead.”

* * *

_Bill tells Grace all about the storming of the castle, the efforts of the four to rescue the fifth and save the kingdom from the evil Blofeld. He tells her of Queen M’s sacrifice to remove her scheming stepson, and of how the small band of brothers and sister formed in the face of adversary._

_“Now they live happily ever after, right?” Grace says, bouncing on the bed._

_Bill nods. “Certainly do.”_

_“So tell the kissing part.” Bill pulls a face. “You promised!”_

* * *

But before that, a new leader had to be chosen. A lady of such good taste, talent and wisdom would have been hard to find, were it not for the Lady Grace, a politician and -

* * *

_Grace frowns. “I don't wanna be a politician.”_

_“You aren't, you're queen.”_

_She folds her arms. “You can't bribe me. Tell the kissing part.”_

_Bill sighs._

* * *

And so, as the sun set over the road leading back to the farm where the four friends would live together, James wrapped his arms around Q. “You'll still help at the farm, won't you?” Q said.

“As you wish,” James said.

Q turned in his hold to face him. “Kiss me, James.”

“As you wish.”

* * *

_Grace’s mum puts her head around the door to see her daughter tucked under Bill’s arm, eagerly discussing the story. “Having fun?”_

_Grace nods, then shakes her head. “As much as I can,” she says mournfully._

_Mum sighs. “Still sick?”_

_Grace nods. “Super sick. I might need tomorrow off too.”_

_Bill feels her forehead and hums. “Still pretty warm.”_

_Mum nods. “Okay, then.”_

_“Can Bill come again tomorrow?” Grace asks keenly. Her mum nods, grinning, and leaves again._

_Bill hugs her. “Enough kissing in the story?”_

_She nods. “Tomorrow's story is gonna need more, though.”_

_Bill stares into the middle distance, realising exactly what he's got himself into._


End file.
